Post #11 - Tough Mama
Happy New Year! I took the past few weeks off to celebrate the holidays (hence, the pics above) and the end of 2020. Most people are saying that they are grateful 2020 is over. It has been a dumpster fire of a year. While I am grateful I got to see the end of this horrific year, I can’t help but be a bit somber for the 300,000+ that didn’t get to see the turn of the year. Anyhoo…I digress.
Rich and I don’t make a big to-do about gifts for one another at the holidays. This year, we decided to get a new treadmill for both of us as a joint gift. I’m a woman that is very happy getting exercise equipment as a gift - perhaps I should find it offensive; however, I don’t. It is exactly what I wanted! We actually use our equipment at home - and don’t let it become a new place to hang our clothes.
I got really into nutrition and fitness after my last corporate job ended in November of 2016. At the time, I was devastated - I loved what I did and the team that I had. It was a HUGE job with a ton of responsibilities; however, I didn’t know how toxic it had become for me. I knew being in the fashion industry was tough; thick skin is a prerequisite, as well as some blind eyes. My entire adult life had been focused on my career and becoming “successful” - being promoted to a higher title; earning more money; adding more bullet points to my resume. When my job was taken away from me, I was totally lost. I did not know what to do with myself or how to define myself. It was a label I had always worn proudly and one of the first things you learned about me upon meeting me. We all do it; I just had a spotlight shined on it for me. Without my work, I didn’t know who I was anymore.
About 8 months into my unemployment, I had my 39th birthday (left picture). I was with Rich and his family celebrating, and when we got home, we looked through the pictures we took. One thing was clear - we were fat. I stared at the pictures and was shocked at how we had let ourselves be blind to our weight gain. It was the consequence that comes with drinking, dating, eating at fine restaurants, and being in love. Rich NEVER made me feel fat, or like I needed to lose weight - I did. So, at that moment, I looked at Rich and said we were going to lose weight - we owed it to ourselves and to our future. I knew we were better than what we had become. Enough of our gluttonous lifestyle - we were going to do this. I was giving myself this gift for my 40th birthday. By the time my next birthday hit, I lost 40 pounds (right pic). Within that year, I learned what and how to eat, and, exercise became something I looked forward to and not something I dreaded. I never knew how much I was going to need this new lifestyle.
Stick with me here - I know this is not a weightloss blog….I’m getting to my point….
Since I have been home, the voices of my nurses at MSK have become very loud in my head. I know I need to keep moving to keep my system moving. So, this new treadmill has been everything for me! It has been tough trying to get my body back to where it once was. I get frustrated most days and feel like the process of healing has been taking too long. I try and do the treadmill everyday as well as working on my exercise ball (my new bff) to stretch out my ab muscles and start rebuilding them. I can actually plank again and can sit up without the use of my arms. It may seem like that is not a big deal; however, for me, it has been a huge milestone. I get winded if the incline is too high during my walk, and I haven’t tried jogging yet. I know slow and steady is the way for me to go. I’m working up to jogging while pushing myself for distance, incline, and longevity in the meantime. Finding patience and kindness for myself has been one of the largest challenges for me. I try and talk to myself the way I would speak to a friend or family member that I love. It’s very difficult for me to find sympathy and humility as I can be very hard on myself.
I am starting to wean off of my regiment of laxatives and I am trying to “do things” on my own - my diet and exercise is helping immensely. One of the hardest parts of life, for me, is not having a timeline and a calendar. Some people get back to “regular” after a month; and, some people, it can take years to get back to a sense of normalcy. There is no way to know how your body is going to respond. It is hard to measure my progress without any expectations or benchmarks to hit. My Type-A personality can be hard for me (and others, probably) to manage.
For the past 2-3 years, my diet and exercise was all about my appearance and how my clothes fit and looked on me. At this point in my life, my diet and exercise is all about health; it is my outlet and my therapy; and, it is my benchmark of my progress. It is my lifeline and road to a healthy body AND mind.
I never knew that seeing the pictures of my 39th birthday was going to help me in such an immense way.