Post #15 - Idiot Wind
It’s been a while since I started writing this post as I was trying to process and find the ability to articulate this nagging feeling that I have been having. There is so much I have had to deal with in the past year, as we all have. Some things I really didn’t see coming with my illness - the cancer was, obviously, a shock - but some of the “after” has been as well. Don’t get me wrong, 2020 was a dumpster fire for everyone; I am just articulating one of my individual experiences.
In most cases, we are raised and taught certain words and things not to say. Swear (curse / bad) words jump to mind right away. All of those wonderfully liberating 4-lettered words that are a staple of my every day vocabulary. We also tell children not to call people names or derogatory terms - ugly, fat, stupid, or any kind of “negative” name. I can get on-board with this (not the swear words part - that’s another rant for another time), and concede that we have societal norms that we live within the confines of; however, if I were to ever have or raise children of my own, I think there is one word that could be abolished from our mouths: “SHOULD”.
If more people kept this word out of their mouths, just think about how much judgment would fall by the wayside. Why do we (as people living within a society) feel like we can tell adults what they should or should not do; or, why do we tell anyone how they should feel; what people should look like; what people should wear; how or what people should eat; what people should watch; and, finally, why do people tell me how I should cope with my experience?
About 4 weeks post op, I was recovering at home and had decided to start this blog. I then had to endure the experience of someone close to me and Rich, after reading my first couple of entries, saying that they hope “I can get over it now and that I should move on” . Really? Why didn’t I think of that? Sure, I’ll just snap my fingers and keep it moving like nothing had happened. Please, keep in mind, this person has not gone through a cancer diagnosis; a serious illness of any kind; and, (knock wood) has not had a big catastrophe within the family.
As I emailed another person close to me to wish them a Happy New Year, I took a moment to reflect with them and show some vulnerability - something I am not super amazing at doing. I had explained about how I was nervous about my annual mammogram coming up and how it just sparked a fear inside of me. [Mammograms have caused me a lot of anxiety as there is really only one thing that the doctors are looking for, as I explained in one of my previous posts.] And, since I never had any symptoms with my cancer, I was super nervous about this screening as I’m scared of hearing another round of bad news. I received an email back, from the person I showed vulnerability with, that said “you should just remember that you are healed, move on, and be happy that you are healthy”. Silly me - I should just do that. Why am I wasting my time trying to cope with the hurricane of emotions I feel on the daily when I could just put this behind me? I guess I missed that memo.
This experience has really brought me back to some Buddhist principles and the way I look at other humans. Perhaps, if we looked at one another knowing that we are just trying to do our best to lead happy lives, we may show more compassion, sympathy, and empathy for one another. I feel like people telling me how I should cope is more a reflection of how they feel and not about how I feel or what is best for me. This practice of compassion (and believe me, it doesn’t come without frustration and anger) is the only way I can keep communicating with the people that have hurt me and made me question the way I am handling my own, difficult situation. Please know, that every day, I am doing the best I can.
The more I have thought about this pesky word, should, there really is no need for it. I am going to do my best to not use it, as I don’t want to be the reason someone could feel how I have felt by the use of that word. I really should work on it…